7.1.2 Relationships and Expectations

We can all recall a time when we experienced frustration in a relationship, whether a partner, a friend or a colleague? 

Whether we assign our frustration to the unthoughtful comment that was made, the untidy desk, the dishes still sitting in the sink, or the clothes left lying on the floor, it’s important to understand that underneath it all, there’s a deeper cause for why we are experiencing this frustration (it could be something that was expected of you when you were younger, a reflection of a value, etc).

We come into relationships with expectations—some spoken, some not. Some of our expectations may be reasonable (to us, anyway), while others may be idealized and unrealistic. Your expectations in a relationship will determine how strong the relationship is.

When our expectations are met, everything is great, however, when they are not, we start to experience frustration. 

If you are frustrated in a relationship at the moment, look past the surface irritations and ask yourself, “What am I expecting from this person that isn’t lining up with my experience?”   Then look at your expectations and examine the following:

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they are trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.”   

– Anthony Robbins

7.1.2.1  Where did that expectation begin? Was it something from your family of origins, was it created from a past hurt, or accepted from watching TV or reading books about relationships?

7.1.2.2  Is your expectation realistic? If it comes from an idealized scenario on television, it may not be reasonable. if you are married and expect your partner to never disagree with you, it is unrealistic. 

7.1.2.3  Is your expectation reasonable? There may be times when your expectations are realistic, but maybe not in the moment or the season (depending on where the other person is at that time – physically, mentally or spiritually). Your best friend didn’t call you when you needed some encouragement. Does that mean they don’t care?   Probably not. Instead of getting mad and isolating yourself, reach out to them first and share what you are going through?  

7.1.2.4  Have you communicated your expectation clearly?  Sometimes we expect people to read our minds. If you are frustrated about an unmet expectation that you haven’t communicated, then your frustration is your fault. Once you communicate your expectations, the other party will either agree to meet you there or not. If not, then at least you can have a conversation about it and possibly come to an agreeable solution for both of you.

Sometimes the expectations we have about an outcome prevent us from seeing other, more advantageous, possibilities.  When focusing on a particular outcome we can close off to those other options because we are busy trying to force the wall in front of us into a door.  We could even miss the fact there may not be a door there.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

– Donald Miller

“I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”  

– Abraham Lincoln

Looking at your expectations, and how they are affecting your relationship, builds awareness of what has subconsciously been going on in your mind.  This gives you more choices about how you respond.  Perhaps, as you create more choices it can help you reduce the frustration and, in doing so, develop stronger, healthier relationships with the people you care most about.

When something isn’t working, stay open to the possibility of other solutions and ask yourself questions about it. 

Questions:

• What would you like to put into place that will help you develop a stronger awareness of what your expectations are, and to check if they are reasonable?
• Am I forcing this situation to conform to my expectations?  
• Is this expectation realistic in the big picture?  
• What other approach may be more viable?” and, “Do I have clarity on what my ultimate intention is?”.
• Do these questions bring more clarity to how you address your expectations and what other questions might you want to ask?