Lesson 1, Topic 1
In Progress

1.1.2 Character and its Evolution

Character is formed through programming ourselves and through the programming that comes from our primary caregivers (parents, teachers, etc) – and is formed through repeated actions, which begin at a young age until these behaviors become habits.   These habits shape the way in which we perceive ourselves and others.   Character consists of virtues, which are positive traits, and vices which are negative traits.

 

Unhealthy Habits:

Many of our unhealthy habits are in reaction to stress:  excessive work (or hating your job), loss, worry, avoidance of the tough stuff, not feeling you are good enough, fear of being rejected, etc.  These kinds of stresses can paralyze. Change becomes harder than ever and we compensate for the stress by exercising behaviors that, though they are unhealthy, serve a clear purpose for us, whether physical, emotional, or psychological.  Part of dealing with bad habits is to discover what perceived rewards you believe you gain through these habits – as human beings we won’t do something that we think has no gain, so if we have developed a bad habit there will be a belief that there is a gain in it, e.g. a perfectionist will be accepted if they get it right; someone who drinks may do so to feel more connected.  Discover the perceived gain of bad habits in order to explore other ways in which you are able to get your needs met in healthy ways.

 

Guidelines to help change unhealthy habits:

  1. Give yourself time to change . Habits are hard to change because they are habits. We need most of the habits we have.   We go through most of our days engaging in good habits, routines and activities. We are programmed to put in place activities that support us without having to give it a moment’s thought.   From the time you get up in the morning to wash your face, have breakfast, dress and drive to work where you have a “habit” of following traffic rules, to your routines as you go through your workday to taking off your shoes when you get back to the house, you are on autopilot a lot of the time. This gives you space for new situations and new problems that require new decisions, creativity and actions. However, the brain doesn’t discriminate between the bad habits and the good ones. Once a routine is sorted into the “automatic” category, it’s hard to get it back out unless we focus on changing it and replacing it with a new habit.
  2. Recognise what causes the habit.  Habits have a purpose and a gain. Brushing your teeth every morning prevents trips to the dentist. Checking your email first thing helps you organise your day. Bad habits are no different. They too have a function.   Binge eating can be a way to comfort yourself when you’re feeling down. Browsing the Internet for hours might be a way you avoid interacting or putting off something you don’t want to do. Smoking may be a way to take time out to pause and think. Drinking too much may be the only way you know how to be social.  If you want to break the habit, it’s important to discover the function the bad habit is serving.
  3. Finding the real problem.   If snacking on junk food all afternoon is a compensation for not eating lunch, the purpose of eating is to satisfy hunger. Your “habit” is telling you to stop and take 15 minutes to have lunch.  If your time on video games is your way to avoid confrontations with your partner, it may be difficult to face how dysfunctional your relationship has become.  Even if it makes you feel guilty and bad about yourself for having a bad habit, you are not likely to stop it unless you come up with another, more positive, way to achieve the purpose of this habit, like eating lunch instead of skipping it to look for food in the vending machine later. Positive can be painful but important, like dealing with your feelings instead of stuffing them down with food, or communicating with your partner and getting help instead of numbing your problems away with video games or alcohol, etc.
  4. Write down what you want to replace the habit with.   Writing down what you want to achieve and keeping it handy to look at every day can help you stay on track … and to read it before every meal and at bedtime. That’s a prescription that has no side effects and will help as it is reminding you to think of other options that are kinder to yourself.
    1. Being accountable.   Being accountable to others can be a powerful incentive to help you deal with the reasons behind your bad habit, it encourages you to find positive, more healthy ways to take care of yourself, and it helps you stay on track.
    2. Be patient with yourself.    Your brain has put your bad habit in the “automatic” category so give yourself time to change and replace it. 
    3. Allow for those times you fail. You aren’t perfect. Everyone slips up at some point.  However, it’s not a reason to give up and it provides you with information … what kinds of things stress you and push you away from your good intentions, what might you need to change in order to stay on track.  It provides an opportunity to think  about why you slipped, and then gives you choices to get back on track.